


Gayle goes to Ikea

by Kagayours



Category: GAYLE (Web Series)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-08-09 21:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20123923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kagayours/pseuds/Kagayours
Summary: Gayle gets more than she bargained for when her hubris gets her lost in a Swedish furniture store.





	1. Prologue

“So Bonnie bought a new bookshelf.” Gayle said to no one on her morning jog. “Something about needing more space for her husband’s books. Yeah, I’m as surprised as you. Last I checked, the man didn’t even know how to read.” she said as her powerful legs tread across the New England streets. “Bonnie says he likes to collect hard-cover books about jet-ski motocross-ball or whatever the fuck kind of sports he’s into. Still, I'll bet you my left areola the man just looks at the pictures because he doesn't even know how to read.” she continued.

“Anyway, she got her bookshelf from Ikea. I for one didn’t know until now that Ikea is a real place.” Gayle said, having lived her whole life under the impression was just some made-up mythical place, like Santa’s workshop, or Atlantis, or West Virginia. “So I assumed Bonnie was messing with me when she said that, but I forced her to take a polygraph test and it turns out she was telling the truth.”

“So I went on Bing to do some research, and I learned that Ikea’s signature attack is to sell you unassembled blocks of wood, from which you’re expected to build your own furniture, like a Star Wars Lego set where you have to build your own Death Star.” Gayle explained. “Which, if true, means that Bonnie didn’t just _buy_ a bookshelf, she _built_ one, acting like she’s the star of the all-female live-action movie adaptation of Bob the Builder, and I’m not gonna stand for that shit.” she told the empty road in front of her. “We all know that if any woman in this town deserves to be the heroine of an all-female Bob the Builder movie, it’s me. That generic store-brand Tim Allen formerly known as Bonnie needs to be knocked down a few pegs. Someone needs to put her in her place, and that someone is also me.” Gayle declared.

“I know what I have to do. I have to go to Ikea and buy my own piece of unassembled furniture. And when I’m finished with it, it’s gonna make Bonnie’s bookshelf look like a lump of stale rye bread.”


	2. Into the Abyss

“Woah! Mom, can you even see where you’re going?!” Terry asked in a fear-filled voice, clutching the oh-shit handle like her life depended on it, which it probably did.

“Of course I can see, Terry.” Gayle said calmly as her car’s tires screeched beneath her. She had three pages of MapQuest directions printed out and taped to the inside of her windshield. “You know, they say you only actually need to use 20% of your windshield.”

“Gayle, no, that’s brains.” Dave said timidly from the backseat. “They say you only actually use 20% of your brain.”

“Yeah, and even that’s just a myth.” Terry added. “You’re always using 100% of your brain, much like you _should_ be using 100% of your windshield. Like, there’s no way this is legal, Mom! You’re gonna get us pulled over!”

Terry lurched forward as Gayle came to a sudden stop at a red light, barely an inch away from rear-ending the 2012 Jeep Cherokee in front of her. “Terry, if you undermine my authority one more time, I will turn this car around.” Gayle said. “I swear, right hand to Yanni, I’m not afraid to pop a U-ey on the I-95.”

“By all means!” Terry shot back. “I would _love _for you to turn the car around. I don’t even see why I needed to come with you! Why couldn’t I just stay home?”

“Uhh, because there’s nothing for you to do at home except count the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin.” Gayle replied. “I assumed that went without saying.”

“Oookay.” Terry said, realizing it was better to pick her battles and not respond to what her mother just said. “And why does Dad need to come?”

“You know I can’t trust that rat-bastard alone in the house.” Gayle told her. “Not after what happened in September of ’09.”

Sometime later, Gayle’s car turned into the massive Ikea parking lot. She drove past dozens of perfectly-viable parking spaces before confidently pulling into the spot closest to the main entrance. 

“Mom, wait, you can’t park here. It’s a handicap spot.” Terry said, gesturing to the plainly-visible sign at the head of the parking space.

“Yeah, I know. I am handicapped.” Gayle stated matter-of-factly.

“Nnnno, you’re not.” Terry replied, holding back the urge to make some comment about her mother quite possibly being handicapped in the mental department rather than physical. “You are completely able-bodied.”

“Yeah, well, I might as well be handicapped.” Gayle replied. “What with my social standing having been so completely decimated by Bonnie. But the sooner we get in and out of this store, the sooner we can change that fact. Let’s go!”

Terry decided not to argue about the subject any further. She, Gayle, and Dave all got out of the car and walked to the entrance of the store. On their way in, Terry made eye contact with a judgmental stranger who gave the family a scornful um-did-you-assholes-just-park-in-a-handicapped-spot look. Terry silently responded with a yeah-I-know-that’s-shitty-but-my-mom’s-insane-and-I-can’t-stop-her look.

When they walked in the door, Gayle froze like a deer in the headlights of a 2014 Ford Focus. “Jesus Christmas Goose!” she exclaimed, seeing the fully-furnished living rooms, kitchens, and bathrooms bunched up next to each other like the differently-colored tiles on an unsolved Rubik’s cube. “This is what a Picasso painting would look like if it was rendered in 3D space.” she mused, stepping hesitantly out of the main hallway and into one of the sample bedrooms that the store had. It looked just like a picture from a Sears catalogue. There were even functional doorways leading into other sample rooms. This fake bedroom came with its own fake bathroom and closet. “If I had the memory span of a goldfish, I would be completely unaware I’m even standing in a store right now.”

“Yes, Mom, Ikea is big and dream-like and confusing.” Terry said, boredly looking down at her phone. She, too, had never been inside an Ikea store before, but she’d seen plenty of jokes on the internet about Ikea stores and that gave her a pretty good idea of what to expect. “Now what do you actually want to buy?” she asked, hoping her family could actually find something and get out of the store in a timely manner, much like Gayle herself seemed so concerned about doing mere moments ago.

“Better question,” Gayle replied, poking her head out from a kitchen that looked eerily similar to her own. “What the hell is your father doing with that crumpled-up jungle gym?” she asked, gesturing to the alien-looking wheeled contraption being steered in her direction.

“I’m just getting a shopping cart.” Dave replied.

“That’s not a shopping cart, David. That’s the attempt of an unemployed, misunderstood 20-year-old thinking he knows how to make ‘modern art.’” Gayle said. “Now stop touching that thing. It probably has rabies.”

As Gayle waited for Dave to return Godzilla’s retainer back where he found it, she couldn’t help but look down and notice the white arrows painted onto the floor, seemingly at random. “What even is this?” she asked no one in particular. The most logical assumption would be that the arrows were meant to help people find their way around the store, but that would require them to actually be helpful to people trying to find their way around the store. But Gayle was one of those people, and she certainly didn’t feel helped by their presence. “Look at this! They’re all over the place!” she exclaimed, spinning around to see arrows pointing in every cardinal direction. “This isn’t a navigation system, this is Dance Dance Revolution!” she shouted. “What are they even pointing to?!” she gestured emphatically at the nearest arrow. “What are they pointing to, David??”

Some of the other customers began to stare. Terry kept her head down and pretended she’d never met this woman.

“This is insane.” Gayle said breathlessly. “I don’t know how they expect anyone to find a product in this store and then get out alive.”

“Well we don’t have to shop here if you hate it so much!” Terry stage-whispered, waiting until there weren’t so many pairs of eyes staring at her mother before she returned her voice to a normal volume. “You could shop literally anywhere else, like, I dunno… Walmart.” Terry suggested, naming the first furniture-selling retail establishment that came to mind.

“Excuse me?” Gayle turned to look at Terry with a face full of disgust, equivalent to the feeling of being tied to a plastic chair and forced to binge-watch every episode of Family Guy off of Hulu with double the usual amount of ad breaks. “I’m not shopping at Walmart, Terry,” Gayle spoke slowly, taking the time to give each word more than the daily recommended dose of vitriol. “Because I’m not some kind of urban peasant.” she hissed. “And I know _you_ can’t relate to this, having been raised by hyenas when I wasn’t looking, but _I_ actually have enough respect for myself to purchase consumer goods from an actual retail establishment, rather than bartering for scraps at a homeless shelter using scavenged 5-cent refundable cans as currency.”

“Mom, I know Walmart is cheap, but they do charge actual money for the products that they sell.” Terry argued wearily.

“That’s not what I heard.” Gayle replied. “According to my sources, you can walk in and just take whatever you need.”

“Gayle, that’s called shoplifting-”

“Of course, you’ll have to fight the other customers for it, like some sort of Hunger Games where the victor gets the lovely grand prize of cheap towels, some infomercial product at half price, and a new ZBox One.”

“You mean an XBox-“

“Still the same amount of death and violence and berry poisonings as in the regular Hunger Games, though, not to mention those mutant dog things that look like they belong in Jurassic Park.”

“Mom, I don’t think you really understand the general premise of Jurassic Park.” Terry commented. “…Or the Hunger Games, for that matter. Anyway, Walmart’s just the first store that came to mind.” she continued. “There are plenty of other stores where you can buy furniture, like… Home Depot.”

“Dave got banned from there for trying to fuck the birdhouses.” Gayle replied.

“No part of that sentence is true.” Dave said.

Gayle clicked her tongue. “It’s your word against mine, David. Who’s the jury gonna believe?”

Terry let out a long sigh. This was going to be a long shopping trip.


End file.
